A Collection of Unsolicited Comments From People Who Mean Well

Or: Perhaps you should feel bad about your neck?

Babe, did you get enough sleep last night? You look super tired.

I love what you did with your hair over the pandemic—it’s so brave. 

I just have to say: It’s wonderful that you’ve stopped being so obsessed with your body. Are you planning on donating your old clothes?

Are you really going to eat that—for lunch? You’re so random!

I admire your determination to age gracefully, without resorting to injectables. Your face is so expressive! And your forehead hasn’t even changed that much. 

So, how’s your book doing? I noticed it’s not on any best seller lists…yet! 

By the way, I love how you're not so focused on your career and some meaningless version of “success.”

Everything ok? You seem, I dunno, a little blah. 

I wouldn't worry—science is always advancing. And I know a woman who got pregnant when she was 59.

Have you ever seen Napoleon Dynamite? I watched it on the plane and the main character is SO YOU.

You write such interesting emails!

I think it’s so rad how you take big swings, and aren’t afraid for all of them to miss. 

Your teeth look SO MUCH BETTER now. Thank God for Invisalign. Your bottom teeth used to be so chaotic.

I’ve noticed the shape of your neck has changed. Have you ever thought about getting tested for Cushing’s disease?

Did you do ballet as a child? Really, you didn’t? Because the way you walk with your feet turned out like a duck made me think you must have. 

You know who you look like? Oh no, not Anne Hathaway. Lol. You’re funny. I was thinking of that girl in the indie movie Welcome to the Dollhouse. Yes, her! Wienerdog! 

Are you still writing? Because I haven’t seen anything you’ve done in a long time. 

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Aaaand, we’re back (yet again). If you thought the above was funny, please order our book. If you didn’t think it was funny, you can still order our book and give it to someone you hate.